i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
