I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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