based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
