We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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