If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
