Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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