The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
