2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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