I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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