did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
