I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
