Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize