Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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