If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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