I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
