I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
