His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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