you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
