The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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