Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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