I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
