shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
