trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
