I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
