he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
