my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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