How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
