I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize