I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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