And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
