if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
