I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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