i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
