Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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