I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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