i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
