if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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