u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
