1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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