She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
