Me too!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
