grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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