I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize