i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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