Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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