I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
