If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
