I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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