My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
