Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
