i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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