I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
