Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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