In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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