I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
