It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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