There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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