Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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