my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
