Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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