He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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