she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
