I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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